Imagine a world where you can’t read the street signs. You have to find your way by using only landmarks. When you see a sign or road map, you can’t understand it, even though it is written in your own language. And when people give you oral directions, you cannot write quickly enough to take useful notes.
In this world, getting around isn’t your only challenge. You must struggle to read directions on packages of cake mixes and cleaning products. Figuring out the doses of over-the counter medicines actually gives you a headache. You keep faulty products rather than return them to the store because you cannot fill out a refund slip. The only jobs you dare apply for are those that do not require any reading or writing.
This was my world for almost 20 years. It was a very small world because I feared getting lost if I went beyond my place of work, familiar stores, and well-known routes to friends’ and family’s homes. I lived in daily fear that I would be asked to fill out a form, write something down for someone, or worse yet be asked to read aloud.
My greatest fear of all was being found out. What if people knew that I could barely read and couldn’t write?
I was in first grade when I was told I would be held back to do another year of first grade so the teachers could make an attempt to teach me how to read. I was signed up each summer for “remedial” reading and math from first grade through eighth grade. By fifth grade I knew that I would never be able to catch up.
I remember hearing giggles in the classroom as soon as I was called on to read aloud. The kids knew what was going to happen, and so did I. As I hesitated, my teachers would say the words for me, over and over, urging me to repeat them but all I could hear was laughing in the background. Finally, the teacher would give up and say, “We’ll move on.” Even though I felt relief, I also felt embarrassed. I was pulled out of class for extra work, but by that time—as I realize now—it was too late. I was already labeled by classmates and teachers as ‘slow.’
I did OK in math, this helped me get passed from grade to grade. It also helped me to hide how serious my problem was from my parents. I didn’t want to bring the problem to their attention. As a ten-year-old I was more interested in having fun than working hard on reading and writing.
I had one close friend in grade school but she went to the public school while I attended the private school. I had another close friend in high school and she accepted me for what I was and am today, kind, generous, compassionate, and a lot of fun. She would take notes for me and coach me through courses, and she helped cover up my disability.
In high school I learned to avoid classes that had writing assignments and heavy reading. I took the easiest courses I could. I kept quiet and tried not to be noticed. I never volunteered to read in class. So many classes had multiple-choice tests that I usually could guess and get by. My ability to manage my life got better and better. I received my high-school diploma and enrolled in a Junior College and then a technical school where I was trained to be a station secretary and got a job at a local hospital. I liked my job. The opportunities and pitfalls of the adult world seemed endless, requiring new and more complicated adjustments. I wanted a checking account. Getting one was easy because the officer simply asked me questions and filled out the forms. Knowing how to deposit, withdraw and figure out a balance was hard and stressful, especially when I had to do it in public. I share this openly with you like I am talking about someone else, as people would describe me as upbeat, self-confident, open, and friendly, a leader and a team-player. Now in my late fifties, I realize that persons who have difficulty reading and writing is a fairly widespread problem. “There are a lot of us out there.” There are people who are afraid to travel because they can’t read signs. Some won’t apply for work because they can’t fill out a job application. Others pretend they have left their glasses at home so they can take a form to someone who will read it to them.
This remarkable openness and confidence did not come about by accident, nor did it come easily. After all, I had spent years and years ashamed of my difficulty. How did I build my self-confidence to such a high level? When I was considering going to college to get a teaching degree I met with my friend Valerie and had her do testing with me, personality tests, learning style tests and tests that would prove my need for support, and what types of support would set me up for success in school. I then went on for IQ testing through Minnesota Workforce and like many others with learning disabilities my IQ was within low to normal range but I had much difficult with information processing. I also realized through these assessments that it would be helpful to have text books on tape, extra time for assignments, a quiet, distraction-free environment, open book tests and possibly a note-taker. In order for me to find success in reading and writing I needed support. I went in and met with the Joan Sax and she began to put various supports in place. Soon Joan became my advisor and Lori Carblom began to request text books and advocate for me as she communicated with each new professor for each new course.
I no longer think much about the past. I now know how to use a computer. Writing is still a chore but one that I enjoy especially if it is personal journaling that is not being edited or evaluated. And reading is still a challenge although it is my favorite way to spend free time. Thankfully, I am able to write notes and letters to friends, papers for school and I even enjoy writing on my blog and reading other blogs of interest. I am able to read newspapers, magazine articles, and instruction manuals, even aloud. I feel more confident reading aloud to children yet am still somewhat uncomfortable reading aloud with adults and I prefer to volunteer to read rather than be called on and required to read aloud. It hasn’t been easy, despite all the wonderful help I’ve had. I still fear the first night of any new course, where the syllabus is handed out, and read quickly through, and even though I have received it early and have read through it at the very least two times, highlighting and underlining in color. I continue to feel overwhelmed with information overload and I often find myself asking one clarifying question after another.
I am mindful though that this is just the way God created me and it’s OK as I am assured that I am “made in His Image.” As an adult now I can see there were great gaps in this system called education and I fell through the cracks. But God has allowed this for my good and the good of others as I serve as an Educational Support Professional with elementary students with Emotional Behavior Disorders with the purpose to teach to read and write and the passion to read and write to teach.
